Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
