haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize