forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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