listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
