I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
