Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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