Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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