Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
