I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
