Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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