I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize