Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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