I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
