I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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