My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize