i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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