would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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