I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
