I swear god or herbie drove my car home
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
