I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Are my feet made of real feet?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
