on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
