3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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