Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
