I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
