1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
