the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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