its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
