i already hear my dad disowning me
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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