Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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