...so i touched it.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
