Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
