No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
