I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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