Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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