i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize