i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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