I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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