look no pants
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
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