The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
