erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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