Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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