Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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