My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
