I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
