I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
