pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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