I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
