My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
