It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
