What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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