My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
