you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
