She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
