Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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