You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
